Death and Dying

A good many years have passed since I graduated college. My degree is Human Services, which is like Social Work only heavy on the psychology/sociology side. One of the courses was Death and Dying. This course dealt with the emotional needs of someone facing death as well as the family needs both during and after dying and death of a loved one.

One of the required assignments was to write your own obituary.

I was just thinking how I would re-write that today. Back then I was young, full of optimism for the future and aside from one failed marriage and raising two small boys I hadn’t really accomplished that much. It really was a rather ho-hum fake obituary.

So here’s the up to date revision.

Angela Morrison Carver Brown Rakes 52 of (blah blah) went to meet the great spirit in the sky on the (blah blah of blah blah)

She was preceeded by parents blank and Blank.

Grandparents, close friends all traveled on before her.

Remaining in deep deep sorrow (how presumptuous) are her father Blank) his wife. Her two sons Blank/blank of blank. And Blank of blank. 3 grandchildren.

After graduating vocational school she became a master cosmetologist. She then furthered her education at Blank university with a degree in human services. Having done much for her community and contributing selflessly she was nominated and awarded the title of Kentucky Colonel.

Angela was a talented painter and writer (arrogant). She received many awards for her work. If you have any works of hers now is the time to list on eBay.

In her later years she became quite reclusive. Rarely seen in public and would yell out the front door “Get Off My Lawn”.

She figured that she had a long enough trail of tears so to save the family money on this obituary she never remarried.

She was found nude, covered in cheeto dust with a paintbrush in one hand and a coffee cup that read “Poe Me Another Cup”.

She leaves behind an extensive Snoopy and Peanuts collection as well as lots of other precious items. To claim your share you must stand on your head, whilst stacking BBs and whistling the Star Spangled Banner.

In lieu of flowers ( screw that..I want flowers plus a donation) y’all can afford it.

Home Improvement

So chapter 26 of my book that someday will be entitled “WTH Now” I update you all on the kitchen redo. On a shoestring budget I am redoing my kitchen.

And by shoestring I mean worn and frayed shoestring the kind that break when you pull them to tighten. So I at first thought I would paint the cabinets gray. Went to Walmart grabbed a can of premixed gray it was called sky gray. Get it home and open ‚Ķit Barney purpleūüôĄ so ever the optimist I stir stir stir and it becomes the Grey it was born to be.

I washed cabinets and set in painting them. They looked Grey wet but when dry‚Ķlavender, now I like lavender‚Ķ but not what I had envisioned. So after much lamenting and research I went a completely different direction and painted the roses..er..cabinets red‚Ķthree coats later they are Red. Now picture if you will‚Ķ5’1 so I have to use a ladder. I’m pushing and repositioning this weird skyscraper metal walker all over the kitchen I have painted the upper cabinets 4..FOUR times. I have balance issues so I do well to walk across level surfaces but I’m doing it..up and down 5 million times. So now..It’s time for wall paint. I find this javelin sized pole that literally weighs 50 pounds..it just has to..and begin painting the walls. This is a galley sized kitchen. So I keep hitting things with this ginormous pole. I have been in some of the weirdest contorted positions trying to use this thing. My elbow feels like it’s dislocated.

As I sit here this morning pondering just what happened to the teenage girl that said I’ll just hire all that done . I come to the realization that I am poor.

I think ūü§Ē I’m on week two of just trying to get a galley sized kitchen painted‚Ķ.and I have THREE more rooms in need of paint..large rooms with ten foot ceilings.

Where is my holladeck?

Computer…redesign this room.

Invisible

Why can’t they see me? If I had a gaping wound people would rush in all different directions to help me. But this is invisible. I hide it pretty well..except when I don’t.
I haven’t showered for a week. I wash off everyday,¬† dry shampoo, tell myself today is the day you must shower…my mind tells me I’m good for one more day.
I cry for no reason or maybe it’s that I miss the way I was before the endless, relentless pounding began at my door.
I used to be confident.
Now I’m insecure.
I overthink everything even a simple trip out my door.
Voices in crowded places mingle into one humming buzzing noise so loud that my heart begins to pound and match the intensity. 
I spend my days alone. Thinking about what needs to be done but never actually doing anything.
And I sleep or I don’t.
And I eat too much or none at all.
And I dream of running away from it all.
And I have a few people who try…but they get tired or got tired long ago.
I choose relationships that are hopeless..I keep my expectations low because I know for certain… people come and then they go.
And then they go…

Stuff What a strange world we live in… In your 20’s you want all the stuff. In your 30’s and 40’s you have stuff plus kids and they now want all the stuff..so you work to pay for your stuff and their stuff and have zero time to enjoy the stuff you have. In your 50’s and 60’s your stuff is not current and you begin to wonder why do I have so much stuff? Old age you can’t remember your stuff or where you put it. Death nobody cares what stuff you had and you can’t take it with you anyway. R. F. D.

What makes a good marriage?

Sometimes individuals and couples can feel unhappy and unfulfilled in their marriages/ relationships and be unsure as to what exactly is wrong.¬† Often they place the blame on themselves. I am a horrible husband/wife/partner or the blame is placed with your significant other.¬† If only they would listen. I don’t feel my needs are being met. Something is missing. I am unhappy and I’m not sure why. Emotional abandonment is a very real thing.¬† Have you ever spent time in your home with your partner and felt completely alone? Gone are the days that you couldn’t wait to share ideas. Gone are the days when you couldn’t get close enough. You sat on the same furniture, watched a movie together, shared passions for life. Now you’ve each become an Island. Yes you still love one another. You still do basic care for one another much in the same way you love a parent, Sibling, or friend.

There are many  factors that contribute to a satisfying marriage/relationship such as;

Love, Commitment, Trust, Time,  Attention, Good Communication including Listening to hear not to react. Intimacy, ensuring your partner that they are desired, wanted and loved.

I spent 7 years in a sexless marriage.¬† Many of you are thinking what? How does that even happen? I’m still trying to figure that out.

I was in a very dark and desperate place when I met him. I was all over the place. He became, somehow, the voice of reason. The soft shoulder to cry on. He used the Bible and religion to his advantage…his own interpretation of scripture.¬† How could I question this man that made good points scripturally based when I was so lost and in my darkness?

He had grown up very poor. The son of a Church of Christ preacher. He had seemingly unending knowledge of scripture.

He also had more reasons than Kelloggs got cornflakes for denying intimacy.  At first, that was fine with me. Even for a few years that was fine for me, because I was working through things, my battered mind was healing slowly.  I was on autopilot with work, home, and health. I had two very good jobs during this marriage. Highly paid jobs. He was disabled. So he did not work. He cared for his 94 year old father in the home and he had experienced the sudden death of his wife, whose ghost was very much present in the home. In many ways I felt sorry for him. In many ways I was manipulated by him, because of my empathy. Add into this mix that I lost a longtime friend very suddenly and tragically. I had a brain tumor recurrence. I watched cancer take a very beloved parent while caring for him. I lost everything within a short amount of time. My job, my health, myself, my self esteem, my loved ones. I had constant rejection from him. And excuses. He blew through my earnings. But, I allowed all of this to happen. Why? Because I was vulnerable. Extremely so. Easy pickings.

When you are the one that does all the compromising to a great deficit to yourself it’s only given that resentment rises. It may take time but eventually it happens. At first you feel your the bigger person. When intimacy is denied to you it chips away a big part of you. Self esteem is huge. This is especially true because most of us need that intimate connection with the one we love. Be it handholding, kissing, affection or sex. We need it as much as the air we breathe.

Where trouble comes in “normal healthy” relationships is when one decides its no longer important. They take the control and set the tone. “Oh you should be past all that by now.” ” Could you please “grow up” we aren’t teenagers any more.” ” I just don’t feel it anymore.” This places the blame unfairly on the person desiring intimacy, somehow you are weak for having normal healthy desires…it’s emotionally wrecking and just not fair to place that load on someone. When one person gets overwhelmed and steps outside to get what they need, society is quick to judge that person as the “bad guy” and their spouse as the victim. When the fact of the matter is the “victim” left the relationship long ago. When they decided that their needs or lack of were more important than yours and since in their mind they are the one in control of the relationship they are the ones that are right.

In closing, and I’ve only just scratched the surface here….

It is ok to have wants and needs.

If you have had open and honest discussions with your significant other and your left feeling the issue is your fault alone, when clearly you cannot fix it alone.

Do some self examination to figure out why you believe you are not worth more.

And keep Reaching For Daylight

Waterloo

I’ve been told I’m not hard to look at many times. Usually, after feeling comfortable with someone enough to share my life battles. “Well you look good.” Is often a common reply. I am so sick of that phrase.

You see..I’ve had two brain surgeries, plus undergone radiation treatments 28 of them to my brain. The more recent brain surgery occurred last October. It has been extremely rough to recover from. The removal of fascia from my right thigh has been particularly rough.

For those who don’t know what fascia is the definition is as follows:

Fascia is a thin casing of connective tissue that surrounds and holds every organ, blood vessel, bone, nerve fiber and muscle in place. The tissue does more than provide internal structure; fascia has nerves that make it almost as sensitive as skin. When stressed, it tightens up.

This material was harvested deep in my right thigh. The surgeon I must say did a fabulous job with the incision, which was quite large. It’s barely noticeable. So I forget my limitations..pretty often. Recently I needed to take a pretty large step up with handrails …I led with my right leg..HUGE mistake.

The leg gave way, back muscles engaged. Long story short, sharp intense lesson in you have limitations..still, even after almost a year. So I’ve had a pretty intense physical pain day.

Emotional pain not so controlled today either. Please understand that I don’t seek sympathy. I know where to find it..”between shit and syphilis in the dictionary. ” But, if I tell you my story I am entrusting you not to inflict more emotional pain upon me. I am simply asking for understanding of where I have been, what I have been through and where I hope to go. I guess I’m not heard, or does empathy not exist in this world anymore? Because right now I’m feeling used. I feel I reached out for some understanding, support and probably love only to be taught again the only person you can rely on in this world is yourself. Because naturally you aren’t going to hurt yourself…right? False you do hurt yourself. We hurt ourselves the most, because a few of us are still naive enough to believe others can have our best interests at heart. Especially after learning of all the pain we’ve been through. Exactly how many lessons does it take? How many wounds inflicted? How many times do we have to grow scar tissue only to have it ripped open and raw again.

Well as for me…I’ve had my Waterloo.

Reaching For Daylight

A.M.R.

Living

I have been in a self spun cocoon since last October.  A healing chrysalises of my own design. 

There have been unexpected events, set backs, speed bumps thrown out from humans..not the universe. 

I feel it’s important that we all understand it is not the Universe, the Creator or even other people that impedes ones progress and growth.

More often than not it’s ourselves. Read that last line again…it’s truly a revelation of epic proportion. ” More often than not it’s ourselves.”

It is the low murmering of our internal voices. It is the sum of our experiences in this life that create who we are good or bad.

When one has faced their own mortality it changes ones whole being.  Trivial things that used to be front and center of your priorities are obliterated. 

It sounds cliche, but the sky really does get bluer and the grass really does get greener just at an amazingly heightened level. The smell of the Earth, the feel of the ground on your barefeet, the wind in your hair. Sounds become clearer.

For the very first time in my life I have a strong desire to connect with everything. In every relationship I’ve had I didn’t bother digging deeper. I have been like an island, a deserted one. Extremely guarded. I’ve heard “you’re a hard person to get to know.” or “you don’t need a man.” I do need a man. A real one, whatever that is. I have always been the quiet one,the listener, the observer and the problem solver. Relationships in my past have been like fixer uppers looked good on the outside but the foundation had major cracks so I had to cut losses. I’m all out of parting gifts too.

Long story short, I’ve changed. What is it the twenty somethings say? WOKE

I want someone who is a whole person, not a fixer upper. I want a best friend in male form. Someone that stimulates my mind. I want to live my life with experiences not routines and rituals. PASSION. Passion for everything.. there will be time enough to be dead.. Someone that cheers me on for a change. I don’t need a leader.

I definitely don’t need someone that starts out thinking I’m the greatest thing since hot buttered popcorn then proceeds to gradually shred my confidence and leave me questioning my sanity while laying in bed crying and thinking I can’t be here…anymore. I have three of those in a file cabinet. I don’t need or want papers on anyone. I am an automonous person so I don’t need every minute of every day. But when we do have time be there…fully.

I need to make up for wasted time and make lots of good memories so that if I make it to really old age people wonder why the hell she’s smiling all the time.

Trying to reach for daylight…

Happy Mother’s Day

Happy Mother’s day to everyone!

All the gorgeous families. All the father’s doing double duty. All the single mother’s juggling a million things. All those who are grieving the loss of their beautiful mothers.

I hope everyone can find some joy in tomorrow.

Please say a prayer for the women who long to be mother’s too. Have experienced the loss of a child. This day can be so painful.

The Phoenix

So many people write about being like the Pheonix. Great triumph over tragedy. Major comeback over catastrophic setbacks. I love to hear their stories and the fire return to their eyes.

I too, have fallen and risen so many times. I have a chronic condition where my body …specifically my brain likes to try and kill me. Repeatedly.

So.. I do the things and endure the treatments. I’ve had so many MRI’S that by now I’m pretty disappointed that I don’t have hulk-like powers or at the very least reverse polarity with glow in the dark eyes. But alas, I just seem to lose a tiny bit of my former self each surgery, each procedure, each fabulous comeback.

I used to say I was the Phoenix, strong, elegant, self sacrificing. One who bravely flys into the sun to burn up the old then fall back down to earth to begin anew.

I have come to realize that I really tire of being the Phoenix . I want to be a hummingbird. Just hover in place..steadily, with bounds of energy. Drink in the perfume of beautiful flowers in beautiful places. Have sugar all day.

To me stability is the greatest gift of the universe.

#pituitary #brain #chronicillness #PHOENIX # radiation

What’s Love got to do with it…

Unrequited love…a two word romanticized phrase for putting up with someone’s BS reasons for not being capable of giving their heart fully to you. Deserving of more but settling for less, not fully valuing yourself and putting your needs, wants, desires in the recesses of dark closets with the door cracked just enough for a glimmer of light to creep in every now and then. Small morsels, scraps if you will, of something that should be so big and so radiant one would never strain or struggle to see the truth. A tradgedy of epic imprisonment….unrequited love.